Real Programmers

Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get.

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

Real Programmers can write five page long DO loops without getting confused.

Real Programmers enjoy Arithmetic IF statements because they make the code more interesting.

Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies. And Szechwan food.

Real Programmers aren't scared of GOTOs... but they really prefer branches to absolute locations.

Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If they are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.

Real Programmers cook their microwave pop-corn on the CPU. They can tell when it's done by watching the running processes.

Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.

Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.

Real Programmers don't do documentation. Documentation is for simps who can't figure out the listing.

Real Programmers at Play

At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it.

At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand.

A Real Programmer goes to a club to watch the light show.

At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary."

In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

Real Programmers Natural Habitat

Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.

Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Diet Pepsi.

Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars (the type that are made stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine).

Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double stuff  Oreos for special occasions.

Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.)

Real Programmers don't wear neckties.

Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.

A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table.

Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't often open at 3 a.m., so they survive on peanut crackers and coffee.